Working in metaphors. The adoption tunnel.

I am an English Teacher. I work in metaphors. I write my feelings. I love words.

Here is my current metaphor for my feelings toward the adoption process.

A PITCH BLACK TUNNEL.

I have read and read and read. Blogs, books, articles, personal stories. I have watched Youtube videos and cried real tears. I am a member of three different foster to adopt Facebook pages. I have talked to three different DSS workers and am in constant email contact with an adoption support non-profit. But it's still a dark tunnel.

I am not a naive person. I like to be prepared for things. I like to know ALL of the bad, ALL of the things that can go wrong. I also really want to hear the good. And believe me, it's hard to find the good.

So back to this tunnel. For those that have not researched the adoption process, it is a long long journey and right now I haven't even really put my foot in the tunnel yet. Right now I am simply looking down the tunnel. Looking to see if I can see anything at all, any little glimmer of light in this long, dark abyss. And honestly, right now the only light it the hypothetical child I do not know. That is just so abstract that it's not enough to counter the fear of the unknown.

This tunnel really doesn't have an end. Raising any child is a life-long commitment. Raising a child who has suffered immeasurable loss is the part that makes this tunnel one I haven't traveled before. A tunnel that is like another world. A tunnel that I am excited to step into but also so, so terrified.

I want to know what to expect, but that is impossible. I want to wrap my brain around the journey, but as any experience DSS worker, foster parent, judge, lawyer or adoptive parent will tell you: you cannot know this thing. Every piece of advice I have received has felt like a warning of sorts

My friends Monet said it well:
The one thing you will find is what makes sense to you and me isn't the way it works.

The tunnel just seems so overwhelming. How will I make the MAPP classes work with three kids? What will they think when they see my bank account? What if our children's hearts don't understand? What if we are never even matched? What if we are and it isn't the right fit? Should we foster first and see if it is right?

But then there is the hope. There are the good stories, the positive experiences and the thoughts of a fourth child to grow our family bigger. A child who needs a home. A child who might fit into our already crazy tribe.

So while the tunnel is dark, and scary and long and unknown I just want to take that first step. February is the first step when we meet with an agency. I'm afraid and excited and ready to see what might be in store.


http://www.playbuzz.com/elizabethmiller10/which-inspirational-quote-really-motivates-you

My very first post..Why I want to adopt.

I have three very healthy children, a nice home, a family...a complete family.

or not?

I have thought about adoption since I was a teenager. I have a lot of theories as to why.

I grew up in a city where foster kids were a normal part of our population and a lot of kids were growing up in situations they probably should have been removed from. Lots of teen parents. Lots of drugs. Lots of poverty. Lots of hurt. And even at 16, I was aware of the injustice behind this fact. The injustice behind the fact that some children were born to good families who loved them and had the means to care for them and others were not. It bothered me.

 Being a teenager is hard enough. So many struggles, so much heartache. I understood that for a child to have to go through any stage of life on their own was a burden beyond comprehension. That doing it on your own is unnatural for any young person.  I thought about how more people should adopt. How everyone deserves a home.

That is part of what led me to teaching. A deep sympathy for other people's hurt. It may be my biggest down fall and greatest gift.

Teaching has fulfilled me. So has being a biological parent. But I have yet to shake the feeling that other children need a family. That there are so many out there. That maybe my family could be their family too.

I also believe my own rocky relationship with my father has led me down this path. My own father walked away from his family and has always dictated when and where he will share his love and time with me. As a grown adult I realize that this profoundly affected my childhood. And I have a great mother, a wonderful family. But the neglect I feel from my father still surfaces as pain in my adult life and when it does, I think of the fact that many children have experienced this feeling of neglect in every corner of their life. Some always will.

Having and raising my own children has made me question my desire to adopt. I have asked myself many questions about what the right thing to do is. My heart is unsure. But still, there is this ache.

In the past year or so my children have moved out of the baby phase and my husband and I have both expressed the same feeling that our family doesn't seem as full or complete as we thought it would feel. Physically I cannot have any more children, but my heart feels like it could fit in more. I long for another son to balance out our brood (2 girls, 1 boy) and to give my son the companion he longs for.

My husband is a good man. A man who loves children and is remarkable in the way he loves them and guides them. But I cannot say he aches in the same way I do. He would have to speak for himself. I am not even sure if he will decide this is right for him. If he doesn't then I will have to move on, because loving and caring for another child will have to be a 100 percent mutual decision. And although I think any and all of our children are so so blessed to be influenced by such a good man, only time will tell if he is truly ready and able. To love a child that was born to someone else is not something I think anyone can do and that is okay too.

I wish I could better explain the unfilled room in my heart. The amount of times I have looked at students in my classroom and thought, "why didn't someone give you a family?" The amount of children I have met who are good good people but who have hurts that cannot be healed without a lot of love and patients. And I think, I believe I could do that. To love and to slowly help heal.

But to want to adopt, to dream of it and then to actually do it are two VERY different situations. I am overwhelmed and concerned and scared and very hopeful that it just may happen.
So for now, hope.....
-Hope that it is right not just for me, but for my family unit
-Hope that I can find a mentor and that my inquiries will be met with answers and kindness
-Hope because my husband has agreed to attend an informational class with me
-Hope that even if it doesn't turn out how I wanted that I will be at peace with the decision
-Hope that more children are lucky enough to find good, permanent homes